I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
