God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
