what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
