Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
