what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
