I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
