you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
