Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
