dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
