I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
