Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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