i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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