my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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