I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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