I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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