im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i would punch a child for taco bell
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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