her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
