I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dignity is for republicans.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
