I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
