I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
