Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
