so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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