If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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