the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
