shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My liver just had a heart attack.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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