I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
