So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
