Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
