Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
