Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
