I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
