In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
