I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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