toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
