Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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