the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
