Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
