Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love having hate sex.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
