WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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