For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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