Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
