Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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