someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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