left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
