Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
