her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
