Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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