I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
