I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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