I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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