my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
