If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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