i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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