he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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