he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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